Tuesday
I wore a thumb bruise necklace
around my throat until
it dulled yellow
disappeared
my brown bell-bottom corduroys and the pink Tuesdayundies I’d bought
at JC Penneywith my babysitting money—
After—everyTuesday
plain white cotton
remember Tuesday
embroidered
green on pink
polyester torn thrown to the car floor
of the white Chevy
hood ripped
off engine painted
blood red to lure
a girl
scout like me
a girl
scout squeezing
her brakes gliding her bike to rest
asking
do you need help?
I don’t remember
his voice
as if he were drowning
blub blub blub
I do remember/the gun/extended/finger palm/wrist flicking
They tell me it happens/fast
no
me
so
slow
bike rolling into long grass
front wheel ro ta ting
so so slow
I do remember
thwack thwack thwack
from the tennis club down the hill
my mother
playing
with her usual
foursome
mom smacking
her serve
racing the net
as his gun
steered me into the car
glub glub glub kill you glub don’t cry
out the window
wooded winding road gives way
bridge tunnel traffic
bus Big Mac & a Coke for 99¢
we drive into the city maybe my father in his car maybe on the way to lunch maybe listening to the radio maybe he will see me maybe in his car dad will listen to the news Nixon maybe he is singing off key walk on bymaybe taps his fingers on the dash maybe a police maybe an officer maybe if I open this window I will
scream maybe
we’ve gone beyond
the city somewhere south
ice cream color houses
the road carved through meadow
Chevy heaving up and down the ruts
under
a maple tree he slows to a stop stop stop
white broken-down-house-paint-peeling-beyond
now I see
nothing
he says blub blub blub blub
I whisper just a girl just a girl just a girl just a girl only a girl a girl just a girl a girl
brown corduroys slip narrow hips
blue/white striped t-shirt pulled up over
leaving
white cotton undershirt with a little bow at the v
leaving
long legs skinny all bones
joints
sinew that
held me together
held me that day
as the man held a gun
to my head
held
my body
hard under his
held
my thin throat in his
hand
in time in time I muscled away
from his hand
away
from my own sweet scent
girl